Chapter 15: My World Unravels

July 26, 2004 was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life. It was the day my mom died. I've told the story before on the 3 year anniversary of her death. No need for more tears today...I said my mom died you get that it was a sad day...nuff said!

As soon as I watched her take her last breath, and watched my dad break into tears into the arms of his friend, I was out of there. That scene was just a bit too much for me to handle at the moment. My sister literally ran in the door as I came around the corner...missing my mom by less than 5 minutes. The most heart wrenching site was my nephew carrying a huge poster board that said we love you Grammy on it...wait didn't I say no tears...OK then moving on!

There was only one person that I wanted to call. Dave. He was in Arizona and wouldn't be back until my birthday, 5 days later. We had made a deal when I dropped him off at the airport...I would only call him if something really bad happened, as in her death, and he swore he would actually answer. You see in the days before her death, he and I had lengthy conversations on the phone. He tried to do his best to comfort me but really he didn't know what to say. So we agreed that I would only call if she died and he would answer because he knew that I would need him. We both held true to our deal and his little brother actually answered the phone. I remember Robert saying, it's a girl and she's crying and Dave said he immediately knew who it was and what had happened. I don't really remember what we said on the phone...I cried and I don't think he really said much. I told him that I would still pick him up at the airport that Sunday because at that point, that was the only thing that seemed normal to me. It was the only way I could see out of this hell that I was suddenly in. If I picked him up at the airport like planned, everything would be better and everything would go on. That was where I had to start from...or in some warped way that's what I thought.

After I talked to him, I called the shop where he works. Steve's dad owned the shop and I let him know what had happened. He was great and very caring. The next thing I knew I was on my way to pick out the plot at the cemetery for my mom's burial. Next stop, the funeral home to buy a casket and plan her funeral. All I could think of was my friends and how they were the only thing that seemed normal at the moment for me...the only things that were going to bring me out of this hell.

And for the most part they were. I talked to all my friends. Teela worked 4 tens so she could have Friday off and attend the funeral. Remember how I only met her a month before. Monica, Eric and her all came together. Shasta and Julie, my two childhood friends, were both at my house within the next few days so we could sit in my bathroom and talk. This was the room that had helped us through lost pets, broken hearts from our boyfriends, and many other traumatic things in our lives. Don't ask, my bathroom was just a good room for these things. I will never forget the moment Aaron walked into my house and wrapped me up in a big hug that made everything disappear for a moment. Some of these were friends that I saw everyday and some of these were friends that I had known all my life but were there for me when I needed them most. Do you notice anyone missing from this list...that's right Steve.

You see as if our friendship hadn't unraveled enough right after graduation, this was the sealing moment that showed me what kind of a friend he was. You see, Steve never called me at all. He was up at a football camp in Quincy California and clearly he was busy. Now some of you might say that he didn't call because he just didn't know what to say. While there is a chance that is true, it's not something that I believe because I know how he is. Plus I heard the excuses...oh my cell phone didn't work. Call collect if you have to...not an OK excuse try again. There weren't any other phones to call from. What am I an idiot? Not to mention that he called his 18 year old girlfriend every freaking day...keep the lies coming! No matter the reason, I was hurt. Crushed that the one person that I was the closest to at that point in my life, or so I thought, had completely let me down. He ended up calling on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday and then he had the audacity to act like it was just another day...I do remember him briefly asking me how I was doing and stuff but not like a good friend would do. His mom even called me the night my mom died to let me know that she had called the school and left a message with the coach for Steve...Steve's family sent flowers and the shop where Dave and Steve worked sent flowers. But not a call from Steve.

I still struggle with this today. I have a hard time knowing that Steve is in our wedding, but wasn't always the best friend like I thought he was. I can forgive (although I'm not positive that I have completely) but I won't forget. And it makes me wonder...when he stands up for us, is he truly happy for us or is he just there because Dave asked him and it makes him feel important to be in a wedding? This is something that I will probably have to address with him before I walk down that aisle because otherwise I may regret having him in our wedding. I know that Steve is the reason Dave and I met...had it not been for our friendship, I might never have met Dave. And I know that Steve and Dave were close like brothers and that together with the fact that Dave feels Steve is responsible for our meeting is the reason he is in our wedding. But for me, I have a hard time knowing that the person that I was inseperable from, the person that I did everything with 24/7 wasn't there for me when I needed him the most.