Chapter 29: Our First Christmas

We are jumping about 6 months ahead here...nothing real significant happened. We lived together and enjoyed it. It was time for our first Christmas. I love Christmas...it's my favorite. We got a tree and decorated it. Since I didn't have very many ornaments, we decided to go shopping for ornaments and decided we would pick out a few cute ones. We got "our first" christmas together ornament and the lady wrote our names and the year on it. Then we got a few other cute ones that we liked.

We were totally becoming that cute little couple. We did all the cutsie romantic things together and he was actually coming around to like this whole relationship thing. There was still just one thing missing...he had yet to say I love you.

I had said it plenty of times, but I backed off. You know you normally said it once a day or at least every other day to the one you love right. Well not me...I said it on days where I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't say it and then every once in a while. It sucks saying I love you to someone and not hearing it back. It would make for a very awkward moment you know. I figured he had come so far that if I had to wait a little longer than I expected to hear I love you then so be it. I didn't want to push him to say it, I wanted him to say it when he meant it.

Christmas Eve we opened our presents. He got me a few cute shirts and some other things that I had wanted. He actually did pretty good for being our first Christmas and then he got me a card. It was of course a funny sarcastic card, but the words he wrote on the inside were far from sarcastic and funny. He wrote the sweetest message about how I had changed his life and he was so glad that I was in it...you know all the mushy stuff that we girls swoon over. At the very bottom, he wrote I love you and signed his name. It was the best Christmas present I could have ever asked for. Of course I got all teary eyed because I knew he meant it. For the first time in my life I didn't feel like someone was just saying that to me to because enough time had passed. I felt like he truly loved me and it was a wonderful feeling.

**Little side note here, at our engaged encounter for the church, we had to write when we knew we loved our soon to be spouse. Dave actually wrote that he knew he loved me when we were on our first trip to Arizona when he was moving (he followed that sentence with a don't even ask why it took me so long to say it haha!). That's a whole year before he actually said it!! Ironically enough he also knew that I loved him when I agreed to go on that trip with him.**

Chapter 28: Living On Our Own

Wow it's been a really long time since I posted about our little love story!! SORRY!! I did intentionally take a small break from it just because of where I was in the story. That still brings up very yucky feelings and makes the anger come rushing back to me. So for the sake of my sanity, I thought I needed to take a small break from the story...however I didn't intend that it would be this long of a break :( For those of you that need a refresher you can go here to chapter 27 and here to chapter 27 and a half.

The school year quickly came to an end. Elizabeth was going to be moving up to Washington to be with her husband since her contract at the school had ended. She was excited but I was a little bummed to have her be leaving. I really enjoyed her company and had a blast working with her and living with her. We joked that we were the lesbians at our school because we would drive to school together everyday and then we lived together. If people didn't know why she was living with me or why she didn't ever drive herself, I'm sure we looked a bit funny.

So Elizabeth moves out and now it's just me and Dave at the house. He was still struggling to define this "relationship" that he was in and wasn't sure what to do about actually calling me his girlfriend. It's been so long since I wrote about our story, I don't remember if I explained his fear. I'm sure I did but here it is again. You see just dating me and not defining it was a safe ground. If he labeled me as his girlfriend then for sure this would fail and all his relationship fears would come true. With Elizabeth gone, we had a lot of time to ourselves (obviously!) He got to where he would be more cuddly on the couch with me and he was starting to do things around the apartment like he lived there too. You see there was another glich...he never claimed to "live" with me. He would tell people including me that he was just staying there with me. Um ok...you never leave and you buy groceries and most of your clothes are here....but no he didn't live there in case you were wondering.

One night we were sitting on the couch and we were just talking. We were talking about the label of girlfriend and boyfriend and I explained to him that for me, without the label, that meant that there were no boundaries. I mean if he technically wasn't my boyfriend, then I could go on a date with another guy and sleep with him for all he cared because well I had no boundaries...he wasn't my boyfriend. And the same could be said for him (which he apparently used in the early parts as we so have read!!). He didn't much care for this thought and when I put it like this to him, he finally decided that he was going to give me the label that I so desired. Of course he didn't just come out and say yes we are boyfriend and girlfriend because that would have been too easy and a bit on the 12 year old side. He said something along the lines of well you already know you are my girlfriend, it's pretty obvious don't you think? I just have never called you that. Basically his theory was if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it is a duck. We were dating, living together and being exclusive. Obviously we were boyfriend and girlfriend!

Chapter 27 and a half: A Side Note and an Update

Shawna left me questions about where things stand with Kenny and if he ever admitted to anything to me that night we had our big blow up. Shannon used all the words that I would have used to describe him (and I love love love her for that!!!) and wanted to know if he was in our wedding. I feel I need to give you all an update and how things played out with Kenny in the years to come.

First of all to answer Shawna's question, no he never once said anything to me that night about anything happening between us. He just kept asking me what the fuck...what the fuck and telling me that I was going to wake up Elizabeth and I needed to be considerate of my roommate! Clearly he missed that rule at our house. I repeatedly asked him about it and he never once said a word regarding what he had told Dave. And you think I'm joking about the 400lbs...that's really what he weighed!!! I must say that now he has had the lap band done and he looks great. He has lost over 200lbs and is doing wonderful...I debate about putting up a picture to show you all what I'm talking about. For some reason, I feel like I should not blast his photo all over my blog. But I'll be emailing them to you soon haha!

To answer Shannon's question, he isn't "in" our wedding. I made it very clear to Dave that while I understand that Kenny is his cousin and they USED to be very close, he was in no way welcome to stand up as a groomsman at our wedding. I said if he felt he needed to include Kenny in our wedding, the most suitable job for him would be an usher (dear god please don't let him walk Shannon to her seat!). I felt I needed to respect that Dave may want him in the wedding and I also felt that Dave needed to respect that I didn't want him as a wedding party member. So that is what he is...he's an usher for us. When Dave called to ask him to be an usher, he actually responded with the comment, "not a groomsman?" I of course asked Dave if he asked Kenny if he was out of his ever living mind because why in the HELL would we want him to stand up for us?? He said no and that he told Kenny besides our siblings no family was in the wedding. Thanks for standing up for me jackass...Dave isn't much for confrontation.

As I said Dave didn't talk to Kenny for about a year. When we all went out in a group if he was there Dave really didn't even talk to him...he might have said hi but not much more. After a while Kenny started to call him and Dave would talk to him. He still respects how I feel about it and so he will go to lunch with Kenny when he knows I won't be around. Or he will talk to him when he knows that I won't be home. It wasn't until about a year and a half where I could even go to the same room as Kenny without freaking out. I was so angry and I didn't know what to think of the whole situation. One night we were all going to go out to dinner. It was the first time since this all had happened that just the three of us were going to do something together. Dave was supposed to be home before Kenny got there but he wasn't. So it was just Kenny and I sitting in my living room for a half an hour while we waited for Dave to get home. He had just got a new car and when he came in I said "oh you got a new car." He responded with a yes and we did not speak another word until Dave walked in. Since then, we have been able to hang out with Kenny. We don't do it often, maybe once every three months or so. Dave will go to lunch and stuff with him, but we don't often all hang out. When I first see him or he walks in, those first five minutes are hard for me. I think of all that happened between us and I get angry. Then that passes and I tell myself that I have to be the bigger person, move on for the sake of it being Dave's family, and appreciate what I have in my life right now, Dave.

One thing I find very funny about the few times we would hang out with Kenny was that he ALWAYS managed to bring that night up. He would mention how fun that night was and how drunk we all got and all this stuff. I always gave him this glare like why in the hell would you ever bring that night up again! Especially in front of Dave. Not sure if it's his way of rubbing it in or what, but it always peeved me. The thing was was that his story ALWAYS changed. He never told it the same twice and I started to point that out to Dave. I told him that I never changed my story and still today I still told it to you guys the same way I told it to him that night. But Kenny's story was never the same. One night we were all talking and Kenny mentioned that I was so drunk I couldn't walk myself up the stairs. He said "I had to carry her to her room and I put her to bed and then went and watched TV on the couch and went to sleep." My ears shot up immediately because when he was telling this version of his story it was just he, Dave and I at dinner one night. I promptly kicked Dave under the table to draw his attention to what was just said. It was Kenny's little slip up that proved that I had been telling the truth all along and that Kenny had lied about the night! If I was so drunk and he had to carry me to my bed, there was no way that I was coherent enough to have done things with him. When we got in the car I asked Dave if he heard what Kenny had said and he said yes. I said that proves' everything I ever said and he told me that I was right. I guess some of that doubt had to have left his head that day and he must have known for sure he had made the right choice.

Chapter 27: Mending the Pieces

The Sunday night I returned home from Winnemucca was a very long drive. You want to talk about butterflies in your stomach...well I had elephants running around in there. I was so nervous about how things were going to go between me and Dave. Was he going to believe Kenny? Was he going to trust that I really wouldn't do that kind of thing to him? Aside from the nervousness in my stomach, I was still reeling with anger towards Kenny. I talked to Elizabeth most of the ride home. She decided that the only explanation for something like this was that Kenny liked me and he was going to sabotage what Dave and I had. She pointed out that when Dave would go home on the weekends, Kenny would stay. Whether or not she was right we will never know, but it was her theory and she stuck by it.

I pulled up to Dave's house in Fernley and went inside. We made brief conversation and when I tried to bring anything up, he just seemed to want to ignore it. I am not the kind of person to just brush something under the rug, especially not something as serious as this so we were going to get to the bottom of this. At the same time, I knew I had to give in a little to what he wanted because if I pushed him away here I might lose him forever. We talked for a while about our weekend and just simple small talk. It got late and I told him that I was going to head home. Since it was a Sunday, he usually drove in and stayed the week at our house. Of course I wanted this more then ever, but I didn't want to push. I asked if he wanted to come and he didn't say anything. I sat there for a minute on the verge of tears, truly believing that I was losing him. Then he got up and got all of his stuff and said he would follow me in. I smiled and went outside to wait for him. While I was calm in the house I was doing the victory dance and a big fist pump in my head!

Once we got to the apartment we went straight to bed. Once in his little comfort zone of my room, that's when he started to talk to me. He told me that he didn't want to believe anything that Kenny told him, but that was his cousin and he couldn't believe that he would just make something up. At the same time, he wanted to believe me because he really did like me. Again, I never said it didn't happen because I honestly didn't know for sure. I told him that all I knew was that I really cared for him, I was in love with him, and that was all I could tell him with certainty. Obviously he chose to believe me. At times, I often wonder if in the back of his head if he questions and still wonders if I am lying to him. It hurts my feelings to think that he would think that I would lie to him about something like this and it hurts even more to wonder if he really does have the doubt. I wonder if at times he wonders if he made the right decision to believe me because it hurt his and Kenny's relationship greatly. You see after this night of talking, Dave never went back to stay weekends in Fernley. He permenantly lived with Elizabeth and I until the end of the school year and then when she left for Washington, it was just he and I living there. He made his choice and chose his sides in this argument. And Kenny realized that. Dave cut all ties with Kenny for a long time. After almost a year, he finally started to talk to Kenny again and I had to learn to respect that. Dave understands my uncomfortable feeling when I am around Kenny and he respected that and chose to push Kenny away for a while.

Once Kenny wasn't staying with us anymore and he was also out of the picture, Dave was able to work on a "relationship". We spent all of our time together doing very couply things. We went to Arizona for my spring break and spent more time with his family. Again, Darrell could tell that we had something special but when someone asked if we actually dating, he never seemed to have an answer for that. Rather he would just smile or change the subject. After all we had been through, he was still hung up on this stupid label!

Chapter 26: A "truth" comes out and a friendship ends

I say that a truth comes out, rather than the truth because that is how I feel. The story that was told wasn't the truth (at least I sure hope not), but another truth surfaced that night.

Dave continued to stay with us and he continued to battle about the stupid girlfriend label. One night Elizabeth were home and we were waiting for the boys to get home. The boys usually got off work, then met at the gym and then came home. The finally got home and Dave was really quiet. Kenny (read that blog if you haven't already so you can understand the Kenny story)wasn't saying much but they told us that they had to go to Fernley to get Kenny's extra set of car keys. Elizabeth and I found this odd because they were driving around in Kenny's car. They were gone for a while, but not long enough to go to Fernley and back...hmm weird. Dave came into the house, got his stuff and told me he was leaving. WHAT? Where the hell was this coming from...I hadn't even seen him all day what the hell did I do? He wouldn't tell me anything and stormed out of the house. He said that he would call me later that night and that was that. Clearly I am absolutely dumbfounded here! I have no idea what just happened. I decide to ask Kenny because obviously they had just been together and I was sure that Dave had said something to him.

Kenny told me that he knew nothing. He had no idea what Dave was upset about. I found this to be a farce (and what a lie that little fucker told!) and I needed to think. When I get upset I go for a drive and listen to music. I told Elizabeth to get something out of him and I would be back. She was a good friend and sat and asked him what the deal was. His "response" aka LIE was that I was smothering Dave...that I was just all over him and he needed his space. I come home and Elizabeth tells me all of this. I think it's very odd that Dave wouldn't have just told me this but I feel a little better. We all went to bed that night...KENNY SLEEPING ON THE COUCH IN MY LIVING ROOM. (this is important!) He called like he said he would and he was pissed. He was very sarcastic and short with me. He kept asking me how I couldn't know what I had done...he kept saying "You really don't know why I'm so pissed." Uh clearly I don't...that's when he dropped the bombshell on me!

He told me that I had "hooked" up with Kenny that night we all went out. He told me that Kenny had told him that we hadn't had sex, but that we had done more. I'm sure you all know how I get worked up...I think that comes through my writing. To say my blood was boiling at this point was a complete understatement! To say that I wanted to actually kill a person would have been much more appropriate.

To my knowledge (when I say I blacked out I honestly did) none of this had happened. However, I was honest with Dave. I told him that I honestly couldn't tell him if it had happened but I was pretty sure it hadn't. I didn't know and that was what was scary. It was also what was making my blood boil. Here's my reasoning: First of all I would never had chosen to come home and "hook" up with Kenny over Aaron any night and I told Dave that. I told him that clearly I would never have chosen to pass up Aaron and then come home and done stuff with Kenny...hello Aaron = DREAM GUY!!! Second of all, I woke up with all my clothes on. The same ones I went to bed with. I know when I have some drunk sex or drunk hooking up of any kind, that I do not put my clothes back on...I am going to lay there and go to sleep naked! When I woke up in the morning I had all my clothes on, my jeans were buttoned...everything like it should have been. So that means one of two things...either Kenny is a big fat liar (I like the thought of that one) and made up the whole story OR Kenny is a big fat fucker, that actually took my clothes off, did stuff with me, and then dressed me again so I wouldn't know (see why I really don't like that one!). I was devistated...first of all I felt like I was losing Dave, second of all I felt completely betrayed and violated by one of my good friends! I explained myself to Dave and told him that I really really liked him...I wasn't going to let anyone get in the way of that and I knew that in my heart of hearts. He was going to have to trust me on that one. He said he needed a few days and he would probably call me in a few days. He said he was not going to talk to me the next day so not to call him or anything. For once in my life I respected that and I think it was the best thing I could have done. I didn't talk to him the entire next day. Friday was the day after that and I was leaving to go to Winnemucca. I didn't think I would talk to him and I contemplated going to his work to see him. In the middle of the day, he sent me a text message. It simply said "drive safe to winnemucca." I knew that was my ok to talk to him again...I went to see him when he got off of work that day to talk about things some more. We decided that I would stop in Fernley on Sunday on my way back through to Reno. We would talk that night and see where we were going to go.


You guys thought it was time to go to the next chapter didn't you? You all forgot one important thing...KENNY WAS STILL SLEEPING ON MY COUCH!!!!!! I know this chapter has gotten long but bear with me. While I am talking to Dave that night, that shithead is asleep on my couch. I told Dave I was going out to yell at him and I would call him back. I left my room, went out there and screamed the shrillest scream at him ever! I asked him what the hell he was thinking telling Dave something like that and why in the hell he had never said anything to me after it happened if it supposedly did happen!! He acted like he was asleep and then kept saying "what the fuck" in this really sleepy stupid sounding voice. He kept telling me that I was going to wake Elizabeth up...uh no shit...if she wasn't already awake she's going to be when I go pounding on her door crying because of what an idiot you are!!! I still can't believe that he actually lied to us, telling us he knew nothing and then had the balls to actually sleep on my couch! Anyway...that's where mine and Kenny's friendship ends. He left me a letter the next day and left our house key there saying we needed time apart. I still harbor very ill feelings towards him and I try to get along with him only because it is Dave's cousin. The first few minutes I am around him, I can't stand to be there and then it gets better. But things have never ever been the same between us...he is always very short with me and me with him. I will probably never know what really happened and to me that is ok...all that matters now is that Dave and I are together and he chose to believe me over Kenny that day.

Chapter 25: What's in a label?

Now that he was back home in Reno, I thought for sure this was going to be smooth sailing. Silly me I had forgotten who I was dealing with. While he had expressed his feelings for me in Arizona, they were slowly carrying over into the land of Reno. He had cut off all ties with Steve...he only talked to him every once in a while but we weren't all going out. That helped out the cause because that was one less person to influence him. He started staying with Elizabeth and I and Kenny continued to stay with us too. The four of us were having a lot of fun and it was clear to the two people living with us that we were together. It was clear to me that we were together. However, it was still a little cloudy for him to figure this out.

Within weeks of him returning I asked if we were actually 'dating'...you know boyfriend and girlfriend for reals...hello third grade. He said something along the lines of a cloudy no. Wait what...you moved back from Arizona to be with me you jackass what the hell do you mean we aren't dating! He kept asking me why I needed a label? Why did I have to be called his girlfriend if we knew that we were exclusively dating? Well let's recap...the last time I "thought" we were exclusively dating I made an ass out of you and me by assuming that concept. That's when Janna happened and I didn't need another one of those things. I tried to explain to him that calling me his girlfriend just set boundaries and made things clear...no more gray areas, then we knew what we were. It made perfect sense...if we already feel this way then why in the hell aren't we going to call it that?

You see in his warped mind, he felt if he put a label on it, then it was going to fail. If we were just seeing each other and dating, but not calling it something serious then it was ok. The minute he put that label on it, we were going to fail...just like when his mom got married. As soon as it was "final and committed" it failed. I tried to explain to him that if the label wasn't important to him , but it was to me to just give me the damn thing! We battled for the next few months for this stupid label until the night I thought I had lost it all. Talk about being blindsided.

Chapter 24 and a half: The new roommate

I guess before I can really write the next chapter I have to give a bit of an explanation about a new roommate that I had at this time. Kenny, Dave's cousin, was clearly missing Dave just as much as me. We found that when we spent time together, it made missing Dave a little less stressful for us. I was actually living with a teacher from my school at the time, Elizabeth, and she welcomed this extra company too because we had a great time together the three of us. Kenny would stay with us all through the week (he was living in fernley communting to reno each day) and then maybe go home on Saturday and then come back on Sunday.

While that whole month went on, Kenny stayed at our house. When Dave moved back, he just joined in too and started staying with us. The only difference was that once Dave was back, Kenny didn't really go home on the weekends. Dave would go home on the weekends (clearly annoying me because then I felt like I was just a place to stay...you'll see in the next chapter), but Kenny would stay. Elizabeth and I never thought too much of it because we were so used to him being there.

One night things went down between Kenny and I...I'm not sure where exactly it fits in the story because it occurred the month that Dave was away. It's not a topic I prefer to think about, talk about or even hint about, but for the sake of the story, you are going to have to know this even if I have to spare a few details. So it might not fit perfect here, but it's got to be told for the rest of the story to make sense.

The weekend that Elizabeth went to see her husband (she was living with me because he had gotten a job that he had to move for right then so she stayed with me till the end of the school year), Kenny and I went out with Teela and two other friends. We went to Trader Dicks and started drinking scorpions. All five of us shared the first one, the girls shared the second one, and Teela and I drank the last one. Needless to say Teela and I were beyond wasted. This is probably the drunkest I have ever been and the only time that I actually blacked out from drinking (yeah I know...no good!). We moved our party to the Breakaway to see my friend Kevin from there. Well Kenny wasn't as wasted as us so he drove...we got to the breakaway and Aaron was there. Short backgroud, Aaron was the guy I pined over since age 2. We grew up together and I loved him...he was hot and when we got to college I finally hooked up with him. We are talking this is my dream guy. Kenny on the other hand weighed 400lbs (he has since lost almost 200lbs and looks fantastic!). I have pictures of both these boys, but for their sake I won't put them up here. Just keep the mental imagine as I continue...my dream guy and a 400lb guy. At the breakaway I had a special drink the bartender made me..."something sexy". I started drinking these like water and wandering around the bar professing to everyone that I wanted to go home and I wanted to talk to Dave. Aaron was sitting at the bar and he was hitting on me. He was flirty and he kept whispering in my ear "let's just go back to my place...you can sleep there for the night like old times." Uh no thank you...I wanted to talk to Dave! Did you hear that...I just turned down my dream guy and I was WASTED! I was much less drunk the first few times I hooked up with him and allowed my bad judgement to take over there so clearly I was really liking Dave at this point! We decide to leave and someone was clearly looking out for me. Kenny drove us and he was drunk by this point...not a good choice and I have never made a choice like that again!

We took Teela home first. This was when we had all that snow and school was closed for like 3 days. I passed out in the backseat only to wake to Teela's voice saying she's going to kill me. I of course professed my undying drunk love for her even though she had just thrown up all over my car. I was too drunk to care. With all the snow my car got stuck. Since Kenny was driving, my drunk self got out and tried to push. Yeah I ended up face down in the snow. I get back in the car and the next thing I remember was being at my apartment. We had to park far away because all the awnings had collapsed under the snow. I remember getting out of my car and falling and telling kenny to just let me sleep in the snow. And that was the last thing I remembered from the night. I woke up the next morning, in my bed sleeping in the same clothes I was in the night before.

That is where I will leave the story...when I get to the other chapter this fits with it will make sense...you just needed the background to understand when I get there!

Chapter 24: A Long Month

Hopefully you guys are all caught up now...I blogged many chapters and then thought I would wait a few days so you could all catch up on reading them before I started more.

Much to my surprise, Dave kept his promise. He did call me everyday. As a matter of fact, I remember he called me on Christmas day and I still have that message saved on my cell phone (I'm a dork yes I am aware of this). The day we left for Arizona was the first day of our relationship. We talked every single day...hours at a time. And little by little, his mother was driving him nuts!! She wouldn't let him leave when he wanted to. One night he wanted to go to Wal-Mart at like 10pm and she blocked his car in, and hid the keys to the truck so that he couldn't move it and leave. Hello nutso! With that on my side, I started trying to convince him to come back home.

The more time we spent on the phone, the more he wanted to come home. He missed me and he was much more open with his feelings. The more his mom pushed and tried to control him, the easier this was getting. He decided on a date to come home and then I started looking for plane tickets. Of course I was going to fly down and make that 12 hour drive home with him. He kept being wishy washy and changing the dates that he was thinking he would come home. I swear to god that it was the longest month of my life! I finally told him one day that I was buying a plane ticket for the weekend of Feb 3 and that's when I was coming down. And that's just what I did.

When I got there, he was waiting for me in his car. I got out and it was butterflies all over again. I was like a little kid waiting for Christmas morning. He gave me a huge hug and then we picked up right where we left off. Oddly enough, there was a point in the weekend where I thought he wasn't going to come home with me and I was freaking out because I only bought a one way plane ticket!!! It appeared that his mom didn't know he was coming home with me and that's where I got my bad rap with her. It's all my fault that he moved back home and she holds that against me to this day. That's fine with me because ever since that day, Dave and I have been inseperable!

Chapter 23: A Defining Moment

This is by far my favorite chapter of our entire story. Without this chapter, we certainly wouldn't be where we are today!

I talked to my sister and asked her if I could come home the day before Christmas. I explained to her that I really wanted to go do this and that it was something I needed to do. This was our first Christmas without my mom, and to my utter surprise my sister didn't put up a fight. So I made the decision to go and it was the best decision I have ever made.

Kayla and Kenny backing out of this trip was the greatest thing could have happened. This meant that Dave and I would be in a car alone for 12 hours. Certainly I would get some answers to all my questions and things would be settled by the end of this trip. It's not like we were just going down there and then I was turning right around and flying home...I was there for 5 days.

We left very early the morning of December 18. I remember him having to tell Kayla bye and all the tears and it really sucked. I remember thinking that he was dumb for moving and clearly he could see that we all wanted him here much more than anyone in Arizona.

Once we were in the car, everything changed. It was like it always was when we were together by ourselves without the influence of our friends. He was just himself and my myself. We started listening to music and he would play songs for me and it was literally the most fun car trip we have ever taken together. Once it started to get dark outside, he would reach over and hold my hang...butterflies would flutter and I tried to soak in every single second of it. Every road trip I hope that feeling will be recreated, and every road trip I am let down. Never again will I have those butterflies in my tummy...never again will I cling to every single word that he says in that way. We got lost on the way...making the trip even better. Sometimes words can't even describe how I felt on the entire trip...it was absolutely perfect and trying to write every single detail down won't even do it any justice.

When we got to Arizona finally, I was able to meet his mom and grandparents...yeah did I leave out that I had to meet the family on this trip. He wouldn't bring me along if he didn't like me...no one was going to believe that we were just friends, especially after the car ride down there. This trip was also the most fun I have ever had with his mom...I again try to recreate this feeling with her to no avail (obviously!). We spent the next few days going to Mexico and having BBQs drinking at his grandparents house. Again, words can't describe the amount of fun I was having...why couldn't we have been like this in Reno? Oh yeah...no friends here to impress...no outside influence...just Dave here in Arizona.

The night before I was to leave, we went to his mom's Christmas party for her work. We had an amazing time, but then we got a phone call from Steve. They of course wanted to know what we were up to and my drunk self was about to tell him! I told him that I really liked Dave and that I was tired of getting shit from them. Then I felt like an ass and went crying to the truck because I wanted to go home. You good times when you are way drunk!! He came and sat in the truck with me and I really don't remember at all what he said. The next thing I knew, Darrell (mom's husband) came out and gave Dave the keys and said to take the truck home and that they would get a ride home. Very nice of him I must say.

When we got home, we sat down on the couch. I told him that I was really sad that the next morning I was going to leave him and I wouldn't get to see him anymore. I was really sad that nothing more every became of us...all the while drunk crying here. I was snuggled up with him on the couch when all of a sudden I hear a sniffle. Could it be that he is crying?? I look up and sure enough he is like bawling crying. What the hell is he crying about? He then tells me that all this time he liked me. He is so afraid of relationships that he didn't know what to do but that he doesn't want me to leave...he wants me to stay there and he is going to be so sad when I get on the plane tomorrow. Most girls would be touched...most girls would be like YES I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!! This girl, however, was thinking...HELLO MORON YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO MOVE, along with thinking, NICE FUCKING TIMING YOU GENIUS!!!!

He drops this on me the night before I am to leave...who does that!!! Oh yeah Captain Disaster here. We spend the rest of the night just cuddling and talking about all of our memories made thus far. We briefly touched upon where we might go from here, but I didn't want to get into that. I had already decided that I wasn't going to do a long distance thing and he was staying in Arizona so really what hope was there for us? It was going to be one of those things that at least I got my answers and I knew that I was important to him, but that the timing was just never right.

We both cried once we got to the airport the next day. Darrell went with us so that was a bit awkward. I was looking forward to some major movie goodbye here. Hugs, tears and lots of kissing...I really wanted to make sure that I got lots of kissing in. But kinda hard to do with Darrell tagging along. I didn't know what was going to happen and my plan of me being the one to leave him was pretty much out of the question now that I knew he had feelings. We both hugged and were sad...Darrell on the other hand sat back and laughed at us. Darrell's exact quote of the day, "I don't know what you guys are crying about...I have a feeling that we are going to be seeing a lot more of her around here." (So glad that Darrell could see it!)

They called my plane, we had one last hug and we promised to call each other everyday. Knowing how he was about the phone I figured that it was a pretty empty promise on his end, but to my surprise I was wrong. I waved goodbye and I was gone.

Chapter 22: Surprises

Shortly after the Halloween party, Dave decided that he was going to move back to Arizona. I tried to talk him out of this, throwing every excuse of why to stay at him. But his mind was made up. So I did all I figured that I could do...I tried to spend as much time with him as I could before he left. I went to see him at work everyday after I got out of school and we would all hang out on the weekends sometimes. I started to think that he was moving for a reason and this was going to be good for me. Obviously although I thought I was winning the battle, I wasn't. He was going to move and if he couldn't deal with a relationship in the same city, there was no way in hell that he could do a long distance one and frankly I didn't want that either. I tried to pull back feelings and tried to just stay on the friend level. We all know that's much easier said than done!

About a month before he was to leave, Kenny, Kayla and I decided that we would all drive down there with him. We didn't want him to have to drive for 12 hours by himself and they were really upset he was moving. (Kenny is his cousin, Kayla his sister) I had another motive...I had decided that if I stayed here, he was leaving me. It would feel like there were so many unanswered questions and I would also cling to the what ifs. But, if I went to Arizona with him, I would be the one leaving him there. It would be my way of saying goodbye and letting go. When I left, all my feelings and everything for him would have to stay behind with him. This was seriously my logic...looking back I might have been a little crazy at this point.

We decided that we would throw him a surprise going away party. I called his dad and we were able to have it at his house. Teela, Monica and I planned it all out and it was going to be perfect. I was going to go to the shop and ask him to help me with something and then we would go to Fernley. Everyone would already be there...I didn't count on one thing. When I got to the shop, someone wanted to have a little sexual before we went on our way to Fernley! Hmm...I looked at the clock...I had plenty of time and who was I to pass up sex with him before he left! Teela kept calling me and calling me and I wouldn't answer. God knows he didn't make this one a quickie...oh no he wanted some romance! Hello did he not know I had a surprise party waiting for him in Fernley...oh wait right he didn't. Teela covered for us as long as she could and by the time we arrived 2 hours late (OOPS!) everyone knew that there was clearly something going on. We made him this great book and filled it with pictures of all of us. Everyone wrote him some goodbye message on their page and we put this roast of him in the front. It was a lot of fun, but it still didn't mask what was really going on...he was leaving and I wasn't sure how to cope with this.

There was one more surprise in store for me. A week before we were all to leave, Kayla and Kenny backed out. They decided that they weren't going to go and that left just me to go. I thought for sure that he would say that he would be fine by himself and that he didn't want me to go. Imagine my surprise when he said he didn't care and if it was ok with me that I should still go.

Chapter 21: I'm No Quitter...

Obviously I didn't give up. If I had given up that day, I wouldn't be where I am today with him. But I backed off even more. I went home that night and told myself that I was not going to let him "use" me or whatever the hell he was doing. I wasn't going to play the games, I wasn't going to let him run this little "relationship" that we had, and I certainly wasn't going to play second fiddle to anyone! So that meant that I had to not be at his every beck and call. If I got the text message to meet, I had to learn to say no. A few times of that and suddenly someones attitude was a little different!

I couldn't give up. Even with all that had happened, I knew in my heart of hearts that he had to like me. He wasn't really just using me (although at times it was easier to think that so that I could be mad at him and get over him). I really wasn't second best, rather he just realized what he wanted. He had to care about me, otherwise why would he have shared all that stuff about his parents divorce? That was him stretching out to tell me to work on him a little more. A little more time and he would come around. The question was...did I have the patience to give him this time? Did I have the patience to trust him again and to put myself back into him after how he had been about Janna?

You know the answer...you know the story doesn't end here!

Chapter 20: An Open Wound

**THIS POST HAS BEEN EDITED - IF YOU HAVE ALREADY READ IT, YOU NEED TO READ IT AGAIN - IT USED TO BE CHAPTER 18**

A few chapters back Shannon wanted to know why Dave had stood me up for dinner...since I had forgotten a major part of the story I had answered her in this chapter...I said it was just because he was that much of a flake...after writing the last two chapters, I must wonder why he really didn't come to dinner...maybe he was busy with someone else! Not to mention in this original post I said nothing interesting happened...I guess chapters 18-19 weren't interesting haha!!

Back to the story...Janna remained an open wound forever (by forever I mean still occassionally today). They never hooked up again, but I backed way off. I wasn't sure how to handle the situation. There was no sense in looking like a pathetic girl that couldn't take the hint...I mean he told me that he was interested in her! But at the same time, I couldn't help but feel that there was something between us. He still flirted although everytime he did I made sure to throw her in his face! He still called me at night and acted like he cared. Obviously he didn't end up with her. Janna was "hot" according to his friends so they encouraged him to hook up with her, and they often talked about how great it must have been to sleep with her. Again, here he was impressing his friends. I think that she wasn't interested in him that way because she was busy being a slutbag and so since she didn't work out he came back to old reliable...me! This thought has always bothered me, will always cause me to question things, and will probably haunt me for many years. It's like I was the back up...if things didn't work out with the girl that he really wanted, well then he could settle for me. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. I know he is marrying me, and I know this thought it absurd, but in the back of my head I will always have that nagging thought that maybe just maybe I was the number 2 that he settled for.

Back to where I was...Up until this point, I thought I had been winning the battle. Even with the whole Janna situation, I really thought I was making progress towards him wanting to actually be my boyfriend and to end all this secrecy. It was a tough battle, but little by little he was coming around. Or so I thought.

Teela had also been a wonderful support system. Being the only friend that knew anything she was really good about giving me advice and not just advice I wanted to hear. She was getting to the point where she started telling me that maybe he wasn't worth it anymore (especially after the Janna situation). She was starting to tell me that maybe he really wasn't interested in that way and that I was wasting my time. This all came to a huge head the night of the Halloween party.

We attended a Halloween party at our friend Gillespie's house (his name is Steve too so to avoid confusion, we call him by his last name). Everyone was having a good time and Dave was being really flirty, yet he was being distant when the boys would walk up. He, Teela, Eric and I were all in the backyard talking. These mixed signals that he was throwing at me were starting to really piss me off so I decided that I wanted to go home. Earlier in the night he had told me that he wanted to stay at the apartment with me...ok that meant he wanted to get laid. Whatever, worked for me! After this Janna incident, I was going to pay him back somehow. I was going to show him that I could just sleep with him and send him on his way in the morning...again who was I kidding? So I told him that I was leaving and asked if he was going to go with me. And here is where the night turns to shit!

He stood there like I had just asked him something in a foreign language. He looked at me, then looked back at Eric. He did this for a few minutes. What was he supposed to say? Should he go with me because he knew that's really what he wanted to do, or should he succumb to the pressure and put on his show for his friends...let's see he picked option #2! He told me that he was going to stay there for the night. WTF! A half hour ago he was going with me, but now that Eric is around he is going to play hard ball and be a tough ass. So I did what any rational, I mean crazy, girl would do! I played the game for like the next hour or so.

I stormed out of the house and acted like I was leaving...hello did he not get the picture? He was not following me out telling me how he screwed this up. Ok...I go back in and say are you coming with me or not? No...storm out again! Wait outside...hmm he still doesn't seem to be getting the hint that I am done hiding shit and it's time for it all to come out. This goes on for at least an hour...go in, get told no, storm out, go back in. What an embarrassment I made of myself that night. Looking back that's ok! He acted like he could give two shits less about me and I was livid. The last time I walked out Teela left with me. I was in the street crying and yelling and she was trying to actually be rational and talk some sense into me. She told me that obviously he wasn't interested in taking this any farther and that it was about time that I gave up. If he had gone home with me it would have shown his friends that he cared...he didn't so that meant that really I was nothing more to him than a piece of ass. That combined with the Janna stuff should have been enough to make me see it for myself. She gave me some wonderful speech about how she really liked Dave, but that if he wasn't going to man up she thought I deserved better. All I heard was GIVE UP.

I couldn't give up...I was winning the battle...wasn't I? I thought for sure he was finally seeing the good in a relationship. I couldn't give up now...I was so close. But after his actions that night, giving up seemed like the only option.

Chapter 19: An Explanation of Janna...and more

I made my phone call. He could tell that I was upset and asked if I wanted to talk about what was wrong. BOY DID I!! I just came right out with it...I told him what Eric told me and he tried to dance around it. He tried to play dumb and by this point I was shaking with anger. His bullshit didn't last long before the truth came out.

He told me that the reason he had been putting off a relationship with me was because he actually liked this other girl, Janna. They had been hanging out when he was at his cousins house because they were roommates. They had hooked up and he thought that we shouldn't do anything anymore because it wasn't going to go anywhere. He said he could see that I was developing feelings (NO SHIT SHERLOCK!) and he couldn't say the same. He actually had the audacity to tell me that he wanted to give things with her a shot to see where they went. I on the other hand, wanted to slap him, her and anything in between! I was dumbfounded and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He honestly did do this to me...I know I had no reason to be mad, but let's not kid ourselves...I was furious and crushed!! I knew from day one that I had strings attached and don't like him fool you he knew I did too! Since I didn't know what to say...I did the next best thing. I sat on the phone and cried...I cried forever! I told him that I hated him and that I didn't understand why he did this. If he liked her why didn't he just tell me and stop sleeping with me? He didn't say much and I didn't care to hear any possible excuses that had a chance of leaving his mouth. I literally cried on the phone for what seemed like an hour (and it probably was because we were on the phone for 3 hours) and fed him some bullshit about how I just wanted him to be happy and that we would still be friends and nothing would change. Who the hell was I kidding?? This wanting him to be happy bullshit was only true if I was the one making him happy. I was ready to get off the phone. That's when he threw in a curveball and really sent me into WTF mode!

Out of absolutely no where, he says to me "Do you want to know why my parents got divorced?" Do I want to know why your parents got divorced? um no I want to punch you in the face right now! But since I had just told him that we would remain friends I thought what the hell, humor him and listen. He proceeded to tell me the wretched ways of his mom...all the things we know and love these days about her. He told me how she had come to Reno for a wedding and how his dad (please stay with me because this is actually his step-dad that we are talking about) had sold his gun collection to pay for her ticket and then she came home and was always talking to this guy. Next thing they know, dad is moving out and this guy is moving in. Home wrecked! I am having a hell of a time following this story because he is talking about Wyoming and his dad never lived in Wyoming. That's when I clarify that this is his step-dad but he calls him dad too. Then I make mistake #2 and ask why his biological parents got divorced. That was a young marriage and his dad had anger issues at the time. Wow this was all a lot to take in...I was suddenly realizing why he struggled so much with relationships and why I was having such a hard time getting him to make any sort of committment. I felt bad for him, but honestly WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH YOU JUST TELLING ME THAT YOU SLEPT WITH ANOTHER GIRL!!!!!

Months after this phone conversation when we had some breaking moments in our relationship, I relalized what this divorce talk had to do with the situation. This was his way of reaching out and saying, please don't give up on me...I don't have a clue what to do in a normal relationship. I don't know how to act or what a good relationship looks like. When I once asked him why he ever told me that, he said he saw it as his only way to make me understand that I couldn't give up. It was his way of letting me know that he was a work in progress and he realized that he messed up, but he wasn't ready to admit that in those exact words. Good thing we were speaking the same language that night huh...maybe I should be a mind reader!

Chapter 18: More Devistating News...

The post that I am about to write is the worst part of our entire story. It was the one thing that did bring me close enough to actually give up and be done with him. Oddly enough, I forgot this entire chapter. It's such a thorn in my side that I have no idea how I could have possibly forgotten thing, but I see it as a good thing. It must mean that I have started to actually put it behind me and not dwell on it anymore. These next few posts are going to seem out of order because I forgot this chapter, but I will go back over and smooth them all out.

As if my world wasn't devisitating enough right at this moment with everything that had just happened, I was about to receive more devistating news. There was a night that I spent on the phone with my friend Eric. Eric had lost his dad a few years earlier and at the time, he was the only friend I had that had any idea what I was going through. He knew what it was like to lose a parent at a young age. We used to spend hours talking on the phone together, and this night was no different. We talked about my mom for a while and then the conversation somehow turned to Dave and I. Of course I played it off, but I slowly started telling Eric that I did like him. I wasn't letting on to everything, but he knew that there was more than friends there.

As nice as Eric tried to be and as much as he said he was looking out for me at this time, what came out of his mouth was enough to make my stomach churn like I had been on a carnival ride for 8 continuous hours. Eric informed me that really I didn't have a chance with Dave because there was this other girl that he liked. She was way hot (apparently I was dog meat at the time) and he was totally into her. Then he gave the crushing blow..."You know he fucked Janna" I shut down. I asked how he knew this and he said that Dave had been bragging about it to the guys. I quickly tried to get off the phone, but Eric knew that the damage was done. He knew I was going to tell Dave that I knew this and Eric reminded me that Janna was a way better choice and that I should just let Dave be. I heard none of this...my head was spinning.

How could he do this to me? I know we weren't together, and we were sleeping with each other no strings attached, but I really didn't mean that and in no way did I think he did. We had been doing this for 8 months and we had never slept with anyone but each other. Was everything I thought about him really all a lie? Was he really using me when he needed me and then actually "liking" another girl? No sense in making myself sick over the what if questions...it was time to get some answers. I hung up the phone and called Dave.

Chapter 17: My Career Begins

Most people think that dates around my mom bother me. Her birthday, my parent's anniversary, Christmas, Mother's Day. Ok Mother's Day does bother me a lot...but I get bitter and sad that my mom isn't here and everyone else has a mom to celebrate with. But those other dates don't really bother me. I can get by them like they are just another day. But there is one time of year that I really really miss my mom. I cry each and every day of this week and to some it may seem silly. But to me it's very upsetting.

You see my mom died before my first day of teaching. She died in July and my first day of teaching was in August. This is very hard for me. I really wanted to be able to tell her all about my first day and tell her how my kids were and even tell her what I wore. But no, I couldn't do that. Telling my sister wasn't the same...there wasn't that excitement in her voice. Not the excitement like mom. Mom would have said "that's great babe". "I'm so proud of you." That's what mom would have said...but mom couldn't say that because she wasn't here.

Steve and I's friendship continued to strain. After him not being there for me with my mom's death, I really found less time that I needed to spend with him. I didn't care to share my first year of teaching with him and I didn't care to get help or ideas from him. We began hanging out even less in the months to come until it came to the point where months would pass before we spoke or spent time together.

Fortunately for me, I had a class of angels for a first year teacher and a "mama bear" that was right next door. While she's not an important part of our love story, she is an important part of planning our wedding and my teaching career. Shari is the woman that teaches next door to me. She is an older woman and a wonderful teacher. Our first year of teaching, there were about 7 new teachers. We had to take a class after school on Tuesdays because we were new and this class was held in Shari's room. She stayed for all the classes even though she didn't have to. All the first year teachers came to her when they needed anything because she had that motherly persona about her. Thus her name "Mama Bear". She truly is a mama bear. She helped me through that first year of teaching and she has been wonderful while I have been planning my wedding. She got teary eyed one day and told me that she would be there to help in any way she could and she would do all those mom like things with me if I wanted her to. She is wonderful and I would be lost without her.

Dave and I continued to hide everything from our friends. We talked almost every day and I went to the shop to see him every single day after school. I would stay there until 5 and leave when he did. It was around this time that everyone grew a little suspicious of all the time that Dave and I were spending together.

Chapter 16: My Birthday Dinner

We buried my mom the day before my birthday. On my birthday, Steve finally called. By this point in time, there was no reason for me to stay in Winnemucca. It was time for me to head home and start to adjust to life without my mom. So that afternoon, I hugged my family, shed some tears and drove back to Reno.

That Sunday (my birthday was Saturday) was the day that Dave came home. Remember I was picking him up from the airport. This was the thing that was going to prove to me that life went on and things that were planned would still happen even though she was gone. Seemed pretty trivial now, but it made sense to me at the time. When I arrived at the airport I was thrilled to see Dave. He gave me a hug because he could clearly see that I needed one. We drove to Fernley so that I could take him to his dad's house. We talked about the funeral, we talked about his trip to Arizona and then I dropped him off. He swore to me that he would be there that night for my birthday dinner. At this point in our friendship...Dave was a flake! He often made plans and then just didn't show or just told you he would come to get you off his back. But I knew that tonight he would show because he knew I needed him to be there. I needed my friends around me to make life feel somewhat normal.

We went to Outback and all the girls were there. Monica, Heidi, Teela. And all the boys were there. Kenny, Steve, our other friend Steve, and Eric. EVERYONE EXCEPT DAVE! Steve made the incredibly retarded choice to bring his sister with him...have I mentioned I HATE HER! Why yes I have...please refer to Chapter 6: The Skank! So now Dave isn't there and I am texting him and calling him...no response. How could he seriously pull his flakiness at a time like this? Was he really that much of an ass that he couldn't see that even as just a friend I really really needed him there? Apparently so!

The one person I really wanted to be there totally stood me up and the person I disliked the most was now there! Wonderful...Happy freaking Birthday!

Chapter 15: My World Unravels

July 26, 2004 was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life. It was the day my mom died. I've told the story before on the 3 year anniversary of her death. No need for more tears today...I said my mom died you get that it was a sad day...nuff said!

As soon as I watched her take her last breath, and watched my dad break into tears into the arms of his friend, I was out of there. That scene was just a bit too much for me to handle at the moment. My sister literally ran in the door as I came around the corner...missing my mom by less than 5 minutes. The most heart wrenching site was my nephew carrying a huge poster board that said we love you Grammy on it...wait didn't I say no tears...OK then moving on!

There was only one person that I wanted to call. Dave. He was in Arizona and wouldn't be back until my birthday, 5 days later. We had made a deal when I dropped him off at the airport...I would only call him if something really bad happened, as in her death, and he swore he would actually answer. You see in the days before her death, he and I had lengthy conversations on the phone. He tried to do his best to comfort me but really he didn't know what to say. So we agreed that I would only call if she died and he would answer because he knew that I would need him. We both held true to our deal and his little brother actually answered the phone. I remember Robert saying, it's a girl and she's crying and Dave said he immediately knew who it was and what had happened. I don't really remember what we said on the phone...I cried and I don't think he really said much. I told him that I would still pick him up at the airport that Sunday because at that point, that was the only thing that seemed normal to me. It was the only way I could see out of this hell that I was suddenly in. If I picked him up at the airport like planned, everything would be better and everything would go on. That was where I had to start from...or in some warped way that's what I thought.

After I talked to him, I called the shop where he works. Steve's dad owned the shop and I let him know what had happened. He was great and very caring. The next thing I knew I was on my way to pick out the plot at the cemetery for my mom's burial. Next stop, the funeral home to buy a casket and plan her funeral. All I could think of was my friends and how they were the only thing that seemed normal at the moment for me...the only things that were going to bring me out of this hell.

And for the most part they were. I talked to all my friends. Teela worked 4 tens so she could have Friday off and attend the funeral. Remember how I only met her a month before. Monica, Eric and her all came together. Shasta and Julie, my two childhood friends, were both at my house within the next few days so we could sit in my bathroom and talk. This was the room that had helped us through lost pets, broken hearts from our boyfriends, and many other traumatic things in our lives. Don't ask, my bathroom was just a good room for these things. I will never forget the moment Aaron walked into my house and wrapped me up in a big hug that made everything disappear for a moment. Some of these were friends that I saw everyday and some of these were friends that I had known all my life but were there for me when I needed them most. Do you notice anyone missing from this list...that's right Steve.

You see as if our friendship hadn't unraveled enough right after graduation, this was the sealing moment that showed me what kind of a friend he was. You see, Steve never called me at all. He was up at a football camp in Quincy California and clearly he was busy. Now some of you might say that he didn't call because he just didn't know what to say. While there is a chance that is true, it's not something that I believe because I know how he is. Plus I heard the excuses...oh my cell phone didn't work. Call collect if you have to...not an OK excuse try again. There weren't any other phones to call from. What am I an idiot? Not to mention that he called his 18 year old girlfriend every freaking day...keep the lies coming! No matter the reason, I was hurt. Crushed that the one person that I was the closest to at that point in my life, or so I thought, had completely let me down. He ended up calling on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday and then he had the audacity to act like it was just another day...I do remember him briefly asking me how I was doing and stuff but not like a good friend would do. His mom even called me the night my mom died to let me know that she had called the school and left a message with the coach for Steve...Steve's family sent flowers and the shop where Dave and Steve worked sent flowers. But not a call from Steve.

I still struggle with this today. I have a hard time knowing that Steve is in our wedding, but wasn't always the best friend like I thought he was. I can forgive (although I'm not positive that I have completely) but I won't forget. And it makes me wonder...when he stands up for us, is he truly happy for us or is he just there because Dave asked him and it makes him feel important to be in a wedding? This is something that I will probably have to address with him before I walk down that aisle because otherwise I may regret having him in our wedding. I know that Steve is the reason Dave and I met...had it not been for our friendship, I might never have met Dave. And I know that Steve and Dave were close like brothers and that together with the fact that Dave feels Steve is responsible for our meeting is the reason he is in our wedding. But for me, I have a hard time knowing that the person that I was inseperable from, the person that I did everything with 24/7 wasn't there for me when I needed him the most.

Chapter 14: Sworn to Secrecy

I knew immediately that I had to make her swear not to say a word. For some reason at this time, I still wasn't ok with our friends knowing. They are so judgemental and I just didn't want to hear all the shit we were going to get for hooking up and actually liking each other. It is much easier to spill your guts to a complete stranger than it is to your bestest friends isn't it? Yes I think so too.

I made an immediate date with Teela for lunch and stressed over and over that she could NOT tell anyone in this group of friends that she knew anything about me and Dave hooking up or that I liked him. She had to let on that she knew NOTHING! Being the great friend that she is, she immediately assured me that she wouldn't say anything, but that she thought it was silly for us not to tell our friends. Yes Yes I know this. Now while it's easy to spill your guts to a total stranger, it's not so easy to give them your trust and assurance that she really wouldn't say anything.

Things were immediately complicated again when Teela and Eric started dating! There was no way she would keep this from her boyfriend...I knew I was tanked at this point. But I was wrong. Teela kept her end of the bargain and lied for me weekly. She NEVER told any of our friends, including Eric about Dave and I. She only said she knew anything after we had told every last friend that we were together. Eric was a little peeved but she said look I swore to her and it was important. She's a girl you could trust with your life here folks! It might have been a small secret to her, but it was the plans to nuclear warfare to me!

It made me feel so much better knowing I was able to have someone to vent to and get an opinion from when I wanted to kick Dave in the balls for being a jackass. We emailed daily and she helped me through so much. I was able to get another take on it and know that I wasn't losing my mind because she too saw how Dave was around me and how he changed when the boys started to say stuff. That made me feel better to know someone else saw it. And it was just her being nice, because there were times that you will hear about that she told me to just get over him. Her and I had numerous inside jokes so we could communicate to each other if everyone was around. My birthday present that she gave me was like she had known me forever. The card was priceless and I still have it to this day. It was chuck full of our inside jokes and made my birthday a little better (my mom died 5 days before my birthday)

And Teela, the person I had only met one month earlier, was the person who worked 4 shifts of 10s so she could have the Friday off to come to my mom's funeral. A much better friend than Steve don't you think...oh wait you don't know...that's another chapter to come! :)

Chapter 13: Lisa's Wedding

Now is the time when things start to get a little more interesting in the old story. My childhood friend Lisa was getting married. She had asked me to be in the wedding and I of course said yes. We hadn't ever really lost touch, but we were much closer when we were younger. Then in high school we just had different friends so we didn't talk much, but it's not like anything bad happened between us. So at first when she called I was flattered and then I thought, wait why did she pick me we haven't talked in years? Since the wedding, we have rekindled the old friendship and chat much more often!

Anyway back to where I was going...Teela was a girl that was also in the wedding. She lived with Lisa at the time and they were both going to school to be accountants. If you have read before, Teela is now in my wedding.

Lisa's wedding was up in Winnemucca. Well Teela had never been up there and of course it was going home to me. Well I thought I would be the nice host after the rehersal dinner and thought we would hang out and I would show her a good time at the bar. Lisa was worried that I was going to keep her out too late and said Teela couldn't stay the night with me...what the Hell? Apparently I had a reputation of being a partier? I think not! We ended up having a great time and one of the groomsman kept giving me the eye! Well I had a few cocktails and started flirting back. Then I found out he was married and high tailed my shit right back to Teela!

We were getting to know each other that night so I thought that we could share some stories because clearly we would not be hanging out besides the wedding and she was a safe person because she didnt' know my friends. So I poured my guts about this guy I liked to her and Lisa. It felt great to get it all off my chest. The wedding came and was beautiful. Teela and I danced the night away and had fun because we were the only single people at the wedding and the invite list was on average over 50 years old! So we pretty much stuck together. I learned she was recently out of a relationship and I continued to pour my guts out to this girl. The next day we went to the little brunch with the wedding party. Teela was talking about her birthday later on in the week and how all of her friends from Vegas were home because it was summer and school was out. I said well we could get together and just have a drink.

We made plans to go out for her birthday and have a few cocktails. We had so much fun that night that we decided to go out and have a drink with my friend Eric the next night. Yep that would be the Eric and Teela that you have all heard me talk about. Eric and Teela hit it off and she became an instant part of our group! While I am very excited that she did become a part of our group and we did become great friends, the whole time I was only thinking one thing...

I just spilled my guts to this girl and now she is going to be around all these people that I have been talking about...she doesn't know that my friends don't know! What the hell am I going to do to get her to keep her mouth shut?!?!

Chapter 12: The Real Graduation

After I had my first graduation in Winnemucca, it was time for the real graduation.

I'm skipping a few months up to May, but really you aren't missing anything. Same stuff was going on. We were hooking up, hiding it from our friends and my mom was getting sicker. Now you are all caught up.

I finished my student teaching and my friend Callie was coming into town for 5 days. I was so ready for graduation so ready to just be done with school. I hadn't seen Callie in a few years and I was looking forward to spending a lot of time with her. We decided that we were going to have quite the celebration that night when she got into town. She flew in around 10pm that night and we went and met my friend Aaron. Shannon will appreciate the Aaron part of this story! We met up with him and Callie wasn't the tomboy he remembered. She was way thin and smoking hot! Of course they ended up hooking up and coming back to my house. I had always adored Aaron but I already had my fun with him in college and my heart was set on Dave. That started the 5 days of our partying session and the 5 days of Dave being at my house non stop.

Dave and Eric stayed at my house for 5 days. We had so much fun. The four of us kept going out every night and we all went to graduation. Notice anyone missing? Yeah Steve. Turns out his skank of a sister was more right than she was wrong. Steve suddenly didn't need me because school was over. Our phone calls went from everyday all day to maybe once a week. I hadn't seen him forever and this was the decline of our friendship. However, without him in the picture, I was able to focus all my time on Dave. Dave and Eric and I became suddenly closer. Without Steve in the picture, I could see these two boys for what they were and it gave us a chance to actually become better friends when Steve wasn't around.

The days we spent around my graduation helped me to get over the fact that my mom wasn't at the ceremony. Again I was glad I had done the one in Winnemucca, because although she was alive, she couldn't have sat through that long ceremony. All of my family was there and I know she was thinking of me all day. I know it broke her heart to not be there, but she still did get to see me graduate in some way.

Dave and I started to get really close during this time. It was also around this time that I was going to be in my friend Lisa's wedding. Here I would meet a new friend that would become a part of our group and suddenly she would be the only friend that knew about me and Dave.