Chapter 20: An Open Wound

**THIS POST HAS BEEN EDITED - IF YOU HAVE ALREADY READ IT, YOU NEED TO READ IT AGAIN - IT USED TO BE CHAPTER 18**

A few chapters back Shannon wanted to know why Dave had stood me up for dinner...since I had forgotten a major part of the story I had answered her in this chapter...I said it was just because he was that much of a flake...after writing the last two chapters, I must wonder why he really didn't come to dinner...maybe he was busy with someone else! Not to mention in this original post I said nothing interesting happened...I guess chapters 18-19 weren't interesting haha!!

Back to the story...Janna remained an open wound forever (by forever I mean still occassionally today). They never hooked up again, but I backed way off. I wasn't sure how to handle the situation. There was no sense in looking like a pathetic girl that couldn't take the hint...I mean he told me that he was interested in her! But at the same time, I couldn't help but feel that there was something between us. He still flirted although everytime he did I made sure to throw her in his face! He still called me at night and acted like he cared. Obviously he didn't end up with her. Janna was "hot" according to his friends so they encouraged him to hook up with her, and they often talked about how great it must have been to sleep with her. Again, here he was impressing his friends. I think that she wasn't interested in him that way because she was busy being a slutbag and so since she didn't work out he came back to old reliable...me! This thought has always bothered me, will always cause me to question things, and will probably haunt me for many years. It's like I was the back up...if things didn't work out with the girl that he really wanted, well then he could settle for me. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. I know he is marrying me, and I know this thought it absurd, but in the back of my head I will always have that nagging thought that maybe just maybe I was the number 2 that he settled for.

Back to where I was...Up until this point, I thought I had been winning the battle. Even with the whole Janna situation, I really thought I was making progress towards him wanting to actually be my boyfriend and to end all this secrecy. It was a tough battle, but little by little he was coming around. Or so I thought.

Teela had also been a wonderful support system. Being the only friend that knew anything she was really good about giving me advice and not just advice I wanted to hear. She was getting to the point where she started telling me that maybe he wasn't worth it anymore (especially after the Janna situation). She was starting to tell me that maybe he really wasn't interested in that way and that I was wasting my time. This all came to a huge head the night of the Halloween party.

We attended a Halloween party at our friend Gillespie's house (his name is Steve too so to avoid confusion, we call him by his last name). Everyone was having a good time and Dave was being really flirty, yet he was being distant when the boys would walk up. He, Teela, Eric and I were all in the backyard talking. These mixed signals that he was throwing at me were starting to really piss me off so I decided that I wanted to go home. Earlier in the night he had told me that he wanted to stay at the apartment with me...ok that meant he wanted to get laid. Whatever, worked for me! After this Janna incident, I was going to pay him back somehow. I was going to show him that I could just sleep with him and send him on his way in the morning...again who was I kidding? So I told him that I was leaving and asked if he was going to go with me. And here is where the night turns to shit!

He stood there like I had just asked him something in a foreign language. He looked at me, then looked back at Eric. He did this for a few minutes. What was he supposed to say? Should he go with me because he knew that's really what he wanted to do, or should he succumb to the pressure and put on his show for his friends...let's see he picked option #2! He told me that he was going to stay there for the night. WTF! A half hour ago he was going with me, but now that Eric is around he is going to play hard ball and be a tough ass. So I did what any rational, I mean crazy, girl would do! I played the game for like the next hour or so.

I stormed out of the house and acted like I was leaving...hello did he not get the picture? He was not following me out telling me how he screwed this up. Ok...I go back in and say are you coming with me or not? No...storm out again! Wait outside...hmm he still doesn't seem to be getting the hint that I am done hiding shit and it's time for it all to come out. This goes on for at least an hour...go in, get told no, storm out, go back in. What an embarrassment I made of myself that night. Looking back that's ok! He acted like he could give two shits less about me and I was livid. The last time I walked out Teela left with me. I was in the street crying and yelling and she was trying to actually be rational and talk some sense into me. She told me that obviously he wasn't interested in taking this any farther and that it was about time that I gave up. If he had gone home with me it would have shown his friends that he cared...he didn't so that meant that really I was nothing more to him than a piece of ass. That combined with the Janna stuff should have been enough to make me see it for myself. She gave me some wonderful speech about how she really liked Dave, but that if he wasn't going to man up she thought I deserved better. All I heard was GIVE UP.

I couldn't give up...I was winning the battle...wasn't I? I thought for sure he was finally seeing the good in a relationship. I couldn't give up now...I was so close. But after his actions that night, giving up seemed like the only option.