Freaking Out!

I'm not even sure that I want to write this post but I am seriously freaking the fuck out for a lack of a better way of putting it. Before I start writing let me make myself clear...you must read to the end or this post won't make sense...and no judging me!

My first question is: Is it ok to have a little crush if you are perfectly happy at home? Do the married women find themselves having little crushes or is this something that is just happening to me? Let me start by saying that I am very very VERY happy with Dave. We haven't had a fight or even a slight argument in a very long time (and yes I'm surprised because I am an argumentative person), the past two weekends have been an absolute blast together, we are going to Disneyland in two weeks (see next blog!) and things are literally perfect. So this is why I am freaking out about a little crush for lack of something better to call it.

I work with a guy who is just the sweetest. I'm pretty sure I have blogged about him before when I wrote about his wife (yes he's married!) freaking out about me giving him a ride. Anyway to make a very long story shorter...we flirt. I have come to terms with this...we call each other our school husband/wife becuase we are constantly doing things for each other and helping each other out. It all started three years ago when he gave me this ring pop ring as a joke and since then we have called each other school husband and wife. Totally a joke have NEVER thought anything about it. Then the whole ride thing happens and I don't get why the wife flips out...then my friend says maybe he has a thing for you and I say "What are you retarded? He's clearly MARRIED!!!!!!" This year things have just seemed to be even more where we do everything together. Again I reiterate that I am happy, he seems to be happy (I don't ask because it's a pointless subject) but suddenly I find myself actually wondering what the hell he is doing...as in right now as I write this! I find myself getting annoyed if he doesn't come in my room anymore and say good morning like he does EVERY SINGLE MORNING! I find myself reading into all of the little jokes he cracks that he has cracked for the past three years but suddenly I feel like they need to be read into. I find myself trying to spend more time with him. We have all (like about 10 teachers) been going across the street after school on Fridays to have a drink and he has been going (he would have never gone last year). Then Friday night he called and said that if anyone asked he was at a meeting...by anyone asking I'm assuming the wife! UH HELLO What does that mean???????????? I honestly think it was at that moment that I freaked out.

I am freaking out because I am happy. No guy has ever swayed me from Dave...when I dated Jonathan I was easily swayed or tempted. This has not happened with Dave...I haven't ever been tempted to want to do something or ponder someone for so long. Yes I can look at a guy and say oh he's good looking or whatever but never actually ponder the thought of him. And it's not like I'm being tempted into wanting to actually do something with this guy...that thought hasn't crossed my mind. Part of me thinks it's because I can see what a great guy he is and I think his wife way doesn't appreciate him. He's a good husband (another reason why I'm freaking out because hello it's not like he has come onto me or anything and here I am reading into stuff) he helps out all the time it's not like their relationship is one sided and yet I feel like she's just not right for him (as if that's my choice/decision to make!) So back to the freaking out...if I am happy why am I wondering about him? I miss Dave already but then I go to school and it's like oh but wait I have this guy to hang out with...Why is it that he is coming into my mind so much...why am I being bothered by the things he now says and why am I reading into every single comment? Today he could tell I was bothered and I'm getting bitchy at him like he's doing something wrong when he CLEARLY has done nothing wrong! Why be bitchy at him? Because I think he needs a better wife and I am now crushing on him, yet I don't want to date him? Yeah that makes perfect freaking sense! Because that's the other thing (starting to ramble I am aware) when I was with Jon I could see myself being with other guys...I knew in my heart that he wasn't the one for me but I stayed with him becuase it was comfortable and at the time I needed stability not happiness persay. But never with Dave have I felt that even now...the only way I could explain my attraction to him(the guy at my work) is this: I could make out with him but I can't see sleeping with him, dating him or anything else. It would be like ok let's kiss and then I'm done...so it's not like I'm all THAT attracted to him (holy shit if you understand that sentence amen to you!) I know that Dave is the person that I want to marry and I smile at him just becuase he's that damn cute to me...so if this is all the case WHAT THE HELL IS MY MIND FUCKING WITH ME FOR?????????????

I talked to Chrissy last night and she said that for him my friendship must fill a void that he doesn't get with his wife (when I thought of it like that I felt much better...much less of a piece of crap for wanting him to not be married to her anymore). She's not an overly friendly person and he is...so I must fill that outgoing void. But what is it that I'm missing that I am feeling a void that he seems to be filling? Is it just that I enjoy that someone is finding my personality or me attractive and is flirting with me? Everyone enjoys flirting! Or is it just normal to have a little crush...not one that you want to act on...but one you just want to daydream about? Make sense...yeah it doesn't to me either...HENCE THE FREAKING OUT!

The reason I said read to the end was because I want to make sure you all understand that I am in no way acting on this...or thinking or ruining what I have...or being a homewrecker to him...I am happy...just annoyed and confused that I am even sitting here writing a blog about feelings that I shouldn't be having!