Divorces

Shannon got me thinking this morning with her incredibly thought provoking blog on divorces. In a nutshell she said that many people don't divorce but rather stay in icky marriages and others think divorces should be done yearly! Read her blog it was really insightful whether you are married, divorced or never married yet like me!

It got me thinking and really I'm writing this blog because I want Shannon to tell me her thoughts on divorce in this aspect. Anyone elses comments are greatly appreciated as it is something that I have always found difficult to "sympathize" with (for lack of a better word).

My parents were married for 38 years when my mom passed away...today they would be married for almost 41. They were very happy together and although I never saw a lovey-dovey side to them, I have never seen a man so devistated when his wife passed away. My parents were never all about PDA. They always gave each other a kiss if we were going to Reno or if my mom and sister were leaving to come watch a soccer game. I am pretty sure that they had a healthy sex life because at one drs appt that i went to with my dad while my sister was with my mom at hers (they both had cancer at the same time at one point in this ordeal) the dr asked if my dad still got a hard on right as my mom walked in to which she answered yes he does! YUCK! Anyway...my father also cried very few times in my 25 years. He cried both times my mom had surgery here in Reno because there was a high risk of losing her both times during surgery and the morning she died. I can't even describe what watching him cry was like on the morning of her death. It was the most heart wrenching aspect of the whole morning for me because it was like his other half was gone and with her a part of him died. So I have no idea what divorce would be like.

Dave's family is very much different. Dave's parents were married and according to Dave his dad beat his mom. (I do not see this part of his dad today, no temper and such, but this is what dave said so this is what I go with...obviously his dad has made a change for the better) She divorced him and married Bruce, husband #2. Bruce, from what I see he does with the boys and how he treats Dave and his sister, is a good guy. He took on both of dave's moms kids (dave and kayla) like his own and both of them also call him dad. Provided well..all that stuff and she cheated on him. Mind you she divorced him and cheated on him with a guy that is her cousin by marriage or something bizzare like that. So now she is on husband #3, Fred. Fred is no good lasts no time and she marries husband #4, Darrell, the current husband. He is ok in our book but can be a pain in the ass. So with his mom alone, Dave has seen 3 divorces. Back to dad...he remarried and this woman took him for all he was worth. She ran up all the credit cards, took money out of the bank like it was going out of style, cheated on him numerous times and ended up divorcing him causing him to file bankrupcy. So there was divorce #2 for him and he has not married again or even dated to my knowledge.

To many families this is normal. It is what people do these days because divorce is no longer socially unacceptable to the majority of society. To me it is odd, not because I think they are bad for divorcing, but because it is something I have never experienced personally. Yes I have seen people who have been divorced, but that doesn't mean I can understand it fully.

Good lord this is getting long but again background is necessary for understanding. One can easily see why Dave was so reluctant to have a girlfriend, let alone get married. I tried everything to make him feel secure because he does NOT want to ever get divorced. He said he would never put children through that and he doesn't want it for himself. His sister is very much the same way. Just because of what he has seen, I dont know how he would act in a bad marriage. I'm not sure if he would be one of those that stayed just so he didn't have to get divorced or if he would be quick to divorce because he knows it so well. Anywhoo...I talked to him one day and asked him to share his real fears about marriage and stuff like that. In his mind, we could date forever and be perfect (well that's how it used to be, now it is different). As long as we were dating, there was nothing that could go wrong because dating isn't permenant or doens't have to be rather. Once you are married, it's all going to fall apart. That is honestly what he thought. There really is no chance in marriage because he has only seen divorce and he is sure that will happen to him too if it is an official marriage. He says this because Bruce was fantastic...he said there was no reason for his mom to cheat so he saw a normal marriage for like over 10 years and then their divorce came. He feels that if that marriage can fail, any marriage can, or will, fail. We have talked about this many times and I have reassured him that we can work through things if we are both willing to do so, that our problems are not their problems, and we are not them! We are different and we will work to avoid that if we truly want to make a marriage work. From my point of view it's the exact opposite. I see no chance of divorce because you just make a marriage work. My parent's marrige was never bad, they worked through everything and were always happy together. So therefore, just like Dave assumes divorce for himself, I assume marital bliss into the golden oldies for me.

I think Dave feels better about this aspect now because we have talked so many times about it, but I know it is still a fear he has. I never gave up on him when we were trying to date. I continued to persue him even when he tried so hard to push me away. Once we dated, I have done everything to make him feel secure and show him that I am not going to just abandon him for some other guy. The problem isn't so much with him as it is with me. You see in every divorce (minus his actual parents) he has witnessed, it has been the wife that betrays the husband and leaves him. The woman has always taken advantage of the man and in end just divorced him. So I felt like I had to do a lot of "proving" of myself to show him that I would just walk away at the drop of a hat.

What do you think about the topic of divorce for two people like us when one is so afraid of it and the other can't even imagine it?