Three Years...

Today is three years since my mom passed away. Grief is a very interesting emotion. Let me give you some background before I get into three years ago today. My sophomore year of high school, my mom found out she had ovarian cancer. She was never really discouraged by this, or at least she didn't let on to it so she could be strong for the rest of us. I know she had hard days where everything got her down and she could cry but for the most part, she was strong. She did her chemo and stuff and my senior year she was in remission. I left for college thinking things were better. She lapsed and it came back. She had several surgeries and had to make several trips to Reno for hospital stays and chemo. It was my last year of college that she decided that she was done coming to Reno and she found a Dr. in Winnemucca that she loved. Dr. Kim got to see her one day when her g-tube was coming out. Because this turned out to be a minor surgery Dr. Kim got to continue being her Dr. This made my mom happy and made me sad...to me her not wanting to come to the Drs. in Reno meant a little bit of her had given up. Not that I blamed her...

It ended up that she wasn't going to be able to make my college graduation. She had always said that she would live to see my graduate from college. So one day my sister called me and said that this program in Winnemucca that helps families have things to cheer them up. Kinda like make a wish, but nothing that big. Anyway...my sister called to TELL me that I couldn't make any plans for the following weekend because I was going to come home to graduate in Winnemucca for my mom. Selfish me said NO! First of all no one ASKED me if I wanted to come home to do this, afterall it was my graduation. Second of all, in my mind this meant giving up months with my mom. This graudation was to take place in March...actualy graduation in May. Remember her comment she would live to see me graduate...I felt like if she got to see it, it was ok for her to give up. Not by my hand friends! In the end, I did the graduation (after apologizing to my poor sister who I screamed at for just trying to do something nice for my mom and me) in WInnemucca. The Dean of Education came to Winnemucca with his wife, brought invitations for everyone, my cap, gown, honor cords and everything. He presented me with my diploma (well i got my real one in like july when they are mailed to us) and we had a nice little party. Here I was thinking that it was a few people and there must have been 30 and I don't even know how they all knew! Well my sister I'm sure but still. Very emotional day. In the end I am very glad that I did it. Although my mom wasn't able to come to my graduation in May, she was still alive. She hung on for three more months until there was no possible will left in her. Here are a few pictures of the graduation...

My family

All of my family, the dean and his wife, and everyone's favorite Dr. Kim

To make a long story shorter...she ended up having to be put into the nursing home in Winnemucca. This definitely dampened her spirits. She felt very old and I have to admit I didn't like it either, but she needed that kind of care. Little by little...she gave up. The morning of July 26, 2004 was a tough one. The night before my sister and I slept there by her side. She was short of breath and we were told she would go at anytime. I can sleep in a cramped corner on a concrete floor if tired enough and my sister was getting no sleep. I finally told her to go home since she only lived blocks from the hospital around one in the morning. I stayed by my mom's side and remember the nurses coming in every hour on the hour...give her morphine. Each time I woke up and each time I thought, please just not be breathing anymore. I can say that now and be ok with it because my mom wasn't in there anymore. She wasn't talking, couldn't keep her eyes open, and only moaned in response if my dad talked to her. But at the time I remember thinking how mean I was being, that I was crazy for wanting my mom to go. That morning, her brother, came to the hospital. We called him the night before and told him he needed to come. I will never forget that moment when he walked into the hospital. It was 9:00 exactly on the clock. He went in to see her, talked to her for about 15 minutes while we all went in and out just waiting. I went in around 9:25, looked at her take a breath and see that she didn't take another one. The pronounced her death at 9:26. She was waiting for her brother to come say bye before she left. I am a firm believer in that statement. My sister missed getting to see her by 2 minutes and my nephew and his dad had worked all morning to make her a huge sign that said we love you grammy. She didn't get to see it by 2 minutes. (you know the point of this blog was for me to write and say that today wasn't a hard day for me like differnet days...now I am bawling...no more background info for you guys) We buried her the day before my birthday on July 30. Another tough day obviously.

I was going to say that today however, isn't a tough day for me. I can make it through the day and not cry and not be upset (well until I decided to write this!). That doesn't mean I don't think of my mom. I have thought of her all day today. But for me...it's not necessarily her date of death, or her funeral or her birthday or things like that that bother me. The toughest times for me are the first week of school. You see I started my first teaching job exactly one month after my mom died. I never got to tell her about my first day of school as a teacher and that makes me very sad. I also get sad thinking of the upcoming (hopefully) engagement that I will have. I wont' get to call her and tell her and hear how excited she is that I am going to marry the perfect guy for me. Dave only got to meet her once when we were friends and it was a brief encounter. At least she knew who he was and I'm sure she looks down to now see me dating him. So that makes me said that he never really knew my mom. I called my dad and I try not to bring it up to him...he's sad and lonely at times and no need to rub in that today is three years. I called my sister and she is always so disappointed to see that I'm not as sad as her. She said I"m all booby today...I said oh I'm not, I get that way the first week of school. Then she goes you don't even know what today is! Yeah actually dumbass I do...I just choose not to dwell on the fact that three years ago today she was taken from us...I choose to dwell on the fact that she won't get to see my wedding and see my kids like she did with my sister. This is why i say grief is a funny emotion. Everyone handles it differently and at different times. I can hear a song in the middle of january on the radio and burst into tears...I think of my mom all the time...I don't have to only be sad or only remember her today.

Sorry this got to be so long but it sure felt nice getting it all out...thanks for reading